We are obsessed with big, old, fat, hairy men in red suits, aren't we? And no, I'm not talking about the bears' float in the Pride Parade; rather, Father Christmas, Pere Noel, crème fraïche, the big cheese, or Sinterklaas (sounds like a weapon from Star Trek—Mr. LaForge, blast that Borg with the Sinterklaas, then we can blitzen out of here and follow that comet!).
Apparently, the phenomenon of children gullibly accepting the lies of their parents and adults alike has been remarkably unchanged since this subject was first studied in the late 1800s.
Carl Anderson is a child psychologist who specializes in the field of lying and falsehood-spreading to innocent toddlers and youngsters that blindly accept the notion that strangers who eat cookies and milk are permitted into their homes … provided they leave a wrapped present behind.
First of all, a comment: how typical of a man!!! Rushes himself up and down the chimney, grabs a quick snack, dribbles, and leaves behind a "surprise" that is quite difficult to get rid of. Yeah, his cheeks are all rosy from getting smacked a few times by Ms. Claus for hopping a few too many chimneys. Bitch … ho ho ho, indeed.
And now we return to my commentary where I am transferring my anger towards my lying parents on to child psychologist Carl Anderson. Mr. Anderson amuses his shrink-freak mind by dressing as Kris Kringle and blatantly deceiving the puppy-dogged eyes of hundreds of children at the Dallas NorthPark Center (go figure, Texas …).
Anderson states that the Santa "set of beliefs" has remained intact over the past 100 years. I wonder if he's at all surprised by this? Certainly children should be taught at an early age not to trust what is told to them by their parents and caregivers. How are children supposed to understand genuine from not? Truth from fiction? Fat man in house from armed burglar with an appetite?
I firmly believe that you should only lie to children when you can profitably gain from their naivety, quite like taking candy from a baby. Spinning a tale about Santa Claus actually costs you more money to buy gifts and presents; why would you do this to yourself?!?
Alas, not much can be said for a big fat white guy that goes around and spreads lies to the people of America. Oh wait … how did we switch from Santa to Capitol Hill?
Monday, January 22, 2007
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Air & Space Museum
A National Museum is the best place in the world to collect interesting blog material. It is a collective embodiment of American life; the feats, the accomplishments, the horrific acts of human cruelty … nothing could be better.
And what more?!? The throngs of people who come to gawk at the enormous displays … or to sit in the McDonald's food court and wearily rub their trampled soles (maybe some soul-rubbing would get them out of McDonald's?).
Ramblings and Observations of the National Air & Space Museum:
Highest jump every recorded: 8 feet and one-half inch.
Now that is impressive, and an excellent way to get around those damned tourists who stand tenaciously on the left-hand side of escalators during rush hour.
"Jellyfish project themselves by contracting their bodies and expelling water"
Well, the last time I peed in the ocean I didn't project much, except for a warm patch that was still observed 5 minutes later by an old lady who mistook it for a hot spring.
Diapers for astronauts
In flight and spacewalks astronauts wear a "fecal containment system" (isn't that basically just a big toilet strapped around your waste? er … waist?) and a "urine collection and transfer assembly". Damn … those are fancy names for a crapper and piss tube, lord. Incidentally, there was a fecal bag on display just below a toothbrush … skank-nasty, friends.
Virginity rocks
I passed a post-adolescent male wearing a shirt that proudly stated "Virginity rocks!" My immediate thought was, "No it doesn't! It blows!!! Wait … then again, no it doesn't …"
Packing for flight
Astronauts take more care packing for their missions then we do for our flimsy 30,000 foot adventures in the air:
-Shark repellent – holy crap!!! We can send a man to the moon in search of extra-terrestrial life, but we still haven't found a way to solve that pesky "fish-eat-man" issue.
-Nylon parachute line – this thing looked like a mini-noose. Perhaps it is the more pleasant option should the repellent run dry.
-Waterproof matches – you've fought off the shark, hung your fellow astronaut friend so you don't have to split the rations, and now you really need a smoke.
Wright brothers
Did you know that the Wright brothers repaired bicycles before learning to defy gravity? Bike boys in flight; suddenly I'm reminded of E.T.
Planet Symbols
On one large wall of the museum there are the various symbols for the planets. Not surprisingly, the symbol for Venus is the traditional "female" sign (circle plus cross), and for Mars it is the sign for "male" (circle plus arrow).
What caught my attention was the sign for Uranus: an exact copy of the "male" symbol, except with a big dot (or puncture?) directly in the center of the hole. In essence- a pierced male. Coincidence? I think not. Copernicus knew what was up. No astronomer could possibly fondle a large cylindrical object all day without getting a bit dirty.
And what more?!? The throngs of people who come to gawk at the enormous displays … or to sit in the McDonald's food court and wearily rub their trampled soles (maybe some soul-rubbing would get them out of McDonald's?).
Ramblings and Observations of the National Air & Space Museum:
Highest jump every recorded: 8 feet and one-half inch.
Now that is impressive, and an excellent way to get around those damned tourists who stand tenaciously on the left-hand side of escalators during rush hour.
"Jellyfish project themselves by contracting their bodies and expelling water"
Well, the last time I peed in the ocean I didn't project much, except for a warm patch that was still observed 5 minutes later by an old lady who mistook it for a hot spring.
Diapers for astronauts
In flight and spacewalks astronauts wear a "fecal containment system" (isn't that basically just a big toilet strapped around your waste? er … waist?) and a "urine collection and transfer assembly". Damn … those are fancy names for a crapper and piss tube, lord. Incidentally, there was a fecal bag on display just below a toothbrush … skank-nasty, friends.
Virginity rocks
I passed a post-adolescent male wearing a shirt that proudly stated "Virginity rocks!" My immediate thought was, "No it doesn't! It blows!!! Wait … then again, no it doesn't …"
Packing for flight
Astronauts take more care packing for their missions then we do for our flimsy 30,000 foot adventures in the air:
-Shark repellent – holy crap!!! We can send a man to the moon in search of extra-terrestrial life, but we still haven't found a way to solve that pesky "fish-eat-man" issue.
-Nylon parachute line – this thing looked like a mini-noose. Perhaps it is the more pleasant option should the repellent run dry.
-Waterproof matches – you've fought off the shark, hung your fellow astronaut friend so you don't have to split the rations, and now you really need a smoke.
Wright brothers
Did you know that the Wright brothers repaired bicycles before learning to defy gravity? Bike boys in flight; suddenly I'm reminded of E.T.
Planet Symbols
On one large wall of the museum there are the various symbols for the planets. Not surprisingly, the symbol for Venus is the traditional "female" sign (circle plus cross), and for Mars it is the sign for "male" (circle plus arrow).
What caught my attention was the sign for Uranus: an exact copy of the "male" symbol, except with a big dot (or puncture?) directly in the center of the hole. In essence- a pierced male. Coincidence? I think not. Copernicus knew what was up. No astronomer could possibly fondle a large cylindrical object all day without getting a bit dirty.
Monday, January 8, 2007
2006 Cutting Room Floor
Random blog comments that didn't make the cut for 2006
-DC is way too small if I'm running into girls that I've kissed from house parties when I'm at the gay bar.
-being aroused by a carwash sign: "Hot lustra triple foaming polish"
-20% of the world's helium is used to cool MRI machines; 8% is used for balloons
-Comment from a grocery store cashier that made me stifle a giggle: "Do you mind if I put your raw meat in plastic?"
-Random quote: "If there's room for doubt, there's room for hope"
-A first "date" where the following were discussed: symbolic circumcision for admission to the Jewish faith, yeast infections in one's mouth, Pious Potato (name of an imaginary potato-only hut), and effective use of pepper spray … che romantico, eh ragazzi?
-Spinach scare of 2006: I often wondered if the other leafed salad components were like "finally, my chance in the spotlight! 2006 will be the year of rugola!!!" Do salad leaves get jealous?
-When some straight men dance it looks like someone administering the Heimlich maneuver on himself
-DC is way too small if I'm running into girls that I've kissed from house parties when I'm at the gay bar.
-being aroused by a carwash sign: "Hot lustra triple foaming polish"
-20% of the world's helium is used to cool MRI machines; 8% is used for balloons
-Comment from a grocery store cashier that made me stifle a giggle: "Do you mind if I put your raw meat in plastic?"
-Random quote: "If there's room for doubt, there's room for hope"
-A first "date" where the following were discussed: symbolic circumcision for admission to the Jewish faith, yeast infections in one's mouth, Pious Potato (name of an imaginary potato-only hut), and effective use of pepper spray … che romantico, eh ragazzi?
-Spinach scare of 2006: I often wondered if the other leafed salad components were like "finally, my chance in the spotlight! 2006 will be the year of rugola!!!" Do salad leaves get jealous?
-When some straight men dance it looks like someone administering the Heimlich maneuver on himself
Thursday, January 4, 2007
iTunes count, 2006
The most popular songs on my iTunes for 2006 …
Irreplaceable, Beyonce
Angels, Jessica Simpson
A Public Affair, Jessica Simpson
All You Wanted, Michelle Branch
Life is a Highway, Rascal Flatts
Cleptomania, Sugarfree
Everytime, Britney Spears
Don't Leave Home, Dido
Dirrty, Christina Aguilera
Plane, Jason Mraz
Not Ready to Make Nice, Dixie Chicks
Unwell, Matchbox Twenty
We Kiss in a Shadow, Gay Men's Chorus of DC
As Long as You're Mine, Wicked
Collide, Howie Day
Defying Gravity, Wicked
Get Me Bodied, Beyonce
Put Your Records On, Corinne Bailey Rae
Over the Rainbow, Jane Monheit
Light in Your Eyes, Blessed Union of Souls
Kiss Me, Six Pence None the Richer
Vuoi ballare con me?, Cesare Cremonini
Comments:
Beyonce: comforting *snap, mmhmm dammmmmnn girl*
Dixie Chicks: good for angry days
Jessica Simpson: excellent for … um … uh … like, was I talking? Oh it's not chicken?
Howie Day: great for pensive days
Six Pence: so cute for romantic days … and commentary for drag queens (you wear those shoes and I will wear a dress)
Wicked: inspiration to defy gravity on the days when everything seems to be pulling you down from flying
Corinne Bailey Rae: for tranquil days … and for schizophrenics who listen to consoling 3 little birds
Irreplaceable, Beyonce
Angels, Jessica Simpson
A Public Affair, Jessica Simpson
All You Wanted, Michelle Branch
Life is a Highway, Rascal Flatts
Cleptomania, Sugarfree
Everytime, Britney Spears
Don't Leave Home, Dido
Dirrty, Christina Aguilera
Plane, Jason Mraz
Not Ready to Make Nice, Dixie Chicks
Unwell, Matchbox Twenty
We Kiss in a Shadow, Gay Men's Chorus of DC
As Long as You're Mine, Wicked
Collide, Howie Day
Defying Gravity, Wicked
Get Me Bodied, Beyonce
Put Your Records On, Corinne Bailey Rae
Over the Rainbow, Jane Monheit
Light in Your Eyes, Blessed Union of Souls
Kiss Me, Six Pence None the Richer
Vuoi ballare con me?, Cesare Cremonini
Comments:
Beyonce: comforting *snap, mmhmm dammmmmnn girl*
Dixie Chicks: good for angry days
Jessica Simpson: excellent for … um … uh … like, was I talking? Oh it's not chicken?
Howie Day: great for pensive days
Six Pence: so cute for romantic days … and commentary for drag queens (you wear those shoes and I will wear a dress)
Wicked: inspiration to defy gravity on the days when everything seems to be pulling you down from flying
Corinne Bailey Rae: for tranquil days … and for schizophrenics who listen to consoling 3 little birds
Monday, January 1, 2007
High & Low, 2006
2006 was crazy! My longest year yet, I believe. How do 365 days go by in such a flurry of drama, emotion, and … alright, even more drama. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times … but god bless us, everyone (sorry, had a Dickens moment ((or two? *wink*)) ).
High: hmm … there's a lot to choose from. Some great times with friends: chatting, laughing. A trip back to Italy. A lot of life lessons, and a lot of smiling. Really amazing people who were always there for me (cue audience "awww" …), and, most importantly, finding what I had been looking for: some friggin' positivism.
Low: hmm … my first "C" in school, and some undesired relationship drama (cue audience "booo" and hurling of fruit … "aim for the gonads!").
And here are some life lessons learned along the road from a wanna-be epistemological thinker; nothing particularly brilliant or amazingly novel, but surprisingly insightful and enormously helpful to me along the way:
-people do what they can
-people don't intentionally hurt me
-kindness can be found in the most unusual of places
-be selfish and unselfish as needed
-appreciate what people CAN do
-open up, be vulnerable, take chances with feelings
-be more curious about others
-pain is normal, pain is healthy
-don't detach when expectations aren't met
-have hope, inspire change, ask for what you need
-let go of anger; it's there to protect you from pain, but will only hold you back from growing
-don't judge: people are doing what they need to survive
-don't judge: people are doing what they think is right
Predictions for 2007? Promises for a better me? A renaissance, I suppose …
The process of a rebirth: my water has broken (some tears), contractions have come and gone (pain, aggravation, and a promise never to let another man touch me again … ok, who am I kidding?), reassurance from friends and strangers alike (while being exposed … figuratively!), and one final push: for happiness, for calmness, and for love.
High: hmm … there's a lot to choose from. Some great times with friends: chatting, laughing. A trip back to Italy. A lot of life lessons, and a lot of smiling. Really amazing people who were always there for me (cue audience "awww" …), and, most importantly, finding what I had been looking for: some friggin' positivism.
Low: hmm … my first "C" in school, and some undesired relationship drama (cue audience "booo" and hurling of fruit … "aim for the gonads!").
And here are some life lessons learned along the road from a wanna-be epistemological thinker; nothing particularly brilliant or amazingly novel, but surprisingly insightful and enormously helpful to me along the way:
-people do what they can
-people don't intentionally hurt me
-kindness can be found in the most unusual of places
-be selfish and unselfish as needed
-appreciate what people CAN do
-open up, be vulnerable, take chances with feelings
-be more curious about others
-pain is normal, pain is healthy
-don't detach when expectations aren't met
-have hope, inspire change, ask for what you need
-let go of anger; it's there to protect you from pain, but will only hold you back from growing
-don't judge: people are doing what they need to survive
-don't judge: people are doing what they think is right
Predictions for 2007? Promises for a better me? A renaissance, I suppose …
The process of a rebirth: my water has broken (some tears), contractions have come and gone (pain, aggravation, and a promise never to let another man touch me again … ok, who am I kidding?), reassurance from friends and strangers alike (while being exposed … figuratively!), and one final push: for happiness, for calmness, and for love.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Geico, gecko, and Gayco
Ah … nothing says part-time employment like cubicles, carpel-tunnel syndrome, and counting the very minutes until you can run like hell to the nearest bar and brainstorm strategies of how not to kill yourself before returning to your fluorescently-lit prison the very next day.
OK so I'm exaggerating! To be honest, I found my first week at Geico to be delightfully tolerable (for those of you who haven't turned on a TV since 1985, Geico is an auto insurance company with a clever advertising campaign). Some highlights/observations of the week:
-Bathroom drama: Yeah OK … they can save you 15% or more on car insurance, but can they install urinals at proper heights to avoid embarrassing splash-watermarks on my pants? Lord! By the time I was done peeing it looked like I had knelt down in a kiddie pool !!! Also, I was quite offended by the automated bathroom deodorizer that took one look at me and immediately sent out an explosion of Lysol – rude!!!
-Message boards: Geico seems to take decent care of its employees, and promotes a true workforce-community atmosphere with events, message boards, and etc. For a minute, I thought that Geico was also supporting personal ads for singles or not-so-singles who were looking for some uninsured fun off the clock. The message on the board read: "nice body, good interior, runs". I was thinking of writing down the number until I realized this was an advert for a car (Bronco or a Mini?), and I was somewhat disappointed.
-The elusive Gecko: Oh yes, friends, it's true. I have received insider information that confirms the Gecko is very, very real and lurks the hallways of the Geico complex on occasion. You have no idea how much the idea of a live, walking, human-sized gecko turns my blood warm ("…so, Mr. Gecko, where else can your tongue stretch?"). And while I'd like to milk this lizard for all it's worth, rumor has it that the gecko only makes rare appearances.
-Gayco: I didn't see them at first, but after a few days of hacking my way through the straight-infested thicket of cheery Geico employees I happened upon the queens of Gayco. The queers can be identified by their plumage (product in hair), markings (A&F or Hollister), and movement (strut your stuff, bitches!). Birdwatching? Only if you give me a peck or two, Woody.
All of this wildlife imagery has me thinking of the expression "more camp than a box of frogs", which is ironically appropriate. So whilst I type away in my snoozy cubicle in the Geico Jungle, perhaps my only distracting thoughts will include a Tarzan swinging through on a mailroom cart, slashing at the overgrowth with a letter-opener, and accidentally catching his loincloth in the paper shredder.
OK so I'm exaggerating! To be honest, I found my first week at Geico to be delightfully tolerable (for those of you who haven't turned on a TV since 1985, Geico is an auto insurance company with a clever advertising campaign). Some highlights/observations of the week:
-Bathroom drama: Yeah OK … they can save you 15% or more on car insurance, but can they install urinals at proper heights to avoid embarrassing splash-watermarks on my pants? Lord! By the time I was done peeing it looked like I had knelt down in a kiddie pool !!! Also, I was quite offended by the automated bathroom deodorizer that took one look at me and immediately sent out an explosion of Lysol – rude!!!
-Message boards: Geico seems to take decent care of its employees, and promotes a true workforce-community atmosphere with events, message boards, and etc. For a minute, I thought that Geico was also supporting personal ads for singles or not-so-singles who were looking for some uninsured fun off the clock. The message on the board read: "nice body, good interior, runs". I was thinking of writing down the number until I realized this was an advert for a car (Bronco or a Mini?), and I was somewhat disappointed.
-The elusive Gecko: Oh yes, friends, it's true. I have received insider information that confirms the Gecko is very, very real and lurks the hallways of the Geico complex on occasion. You have no idea how much the idea of a live, walking, human-sized gecko turns my blood warm ("…so, Mr. Gecko, where else can your tongue stretch?"). And while I'd like to milk this lizard for all it's worth, rumor has it that the gecko only makes rare appearances.
-Gayco: I didn't see them at first, but after a few days of hacking my way through the straight-infested thicket of cheery Geico employees I happened upon the queens of Gayco. The queers can be identified by their plumage (product in hair), markings (A&F or Hollister), and movement (strut your stuff, bitches!). Birdwatching? Only if you give me a peck or two, Woody.
All of this wildlife imagery has me thinking of the expression "more camp than a box of frogs", which is ironically appropriate. So whilst I type away in my snoozy cubicle in the Geico Jungle, perhaps my only distracting thoughts will include a Tarzan swinging through on a mailroom cart, slashing at the overgrowth with a letter-opener, and accidentally catching his loincloth in the paper shredder.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Gays in the news (Gay sin then “ew”s)
Well, we are a persevering bunch, aren't we? Open the newspaper and you're bombarded with gay drama from politics to church to hate crimes. If only there were an island where all the gay people could retreat and seek shelter; oh right, that's Manhattan.
Anglican Archbishop Peter Akinola of Nigeria was recently quoted in the Lakeland Ledger as "calling the growing acceptance of gay relationships a 'satanic attack' on the church" (I can see the new Fox show now: "Exorcist Eye for the Queer Guy"). Perhaps the term "attack" is lost in translation; usually I think of forcible entry and take-over. Since when have queens and queers attempted to overrun and ruin the church by means of attack? Ironic that people in Nigeria are sentenced to death by stoning for committing sodomy (http://www.afrol.com/articles/16722); perhaps Akinola should reconsider the meaning of the word "attack".
All this drama for the Episcopalians prompted Rowan Williams, the Anglican spiritual leader (in the Episcopal church I think this means leading a modest clap to organ music) to suggest a two-tier system of membership, with branches that ordain partnered gays given a lesser status.
Lesser status, indeed. Christmas commercials pound the radio advertising goods only for straight couples. The erotica and relationship section at Books-A-Million should really be entitled "Gays-be-gone"- not a drop of homo-anything (ironically making the section highly homogenous, haha). Thank you Mrs. Williams, for perpetuating our already publicly acknowledged and accepted discriminatory political and social policies that exclude gay people and their rights. After all, Blacks were not given equal status until after the Civil Rights Movement (and still do not truly have it). The queers can wait their turn.
So kudos to the Episcopal church for trying to make it through this rough patch in its growth and reach out to diverse populations. Changes in religion are always rough, especially when some people mask their anger as conviction. My advice? Well … what would you do with an emerging tree in the middle of a tangled thicket?
Cut back the thorns and dead wood that hold you down: then let yourselves heal, and reach for the sky.
Anglican Archbishop Peter Akinola of Nigeria was recently quoted in the Lakeland Ledger as "calling the growing acceptance of gay relationships a 'satanic attack' on the church" (I can see the new Fox show now: "Exorcist Eye for the Queer Guy"). Perhaps the term "attack" is lost in translation; usually I think of forcible entry and take-over. Since when have queens and queers attempted to overrun and ruin the church by means of attack? Ironic that people in Nigeria are sentenced to death by stoning for committing sodomy (http://www.afrol.com/articles/16722); perhaps Akinola should reconsider the meaning of the word "attack".
All this drama for the Episcopalians prompted Rowan Williams, the Anglican spiritual leader (in the Episcopal church I think this means leading a modest clap to organ music) to suggest a two-tier system of membership, with branches that ordain partnered gays given a lesser status.
Lesser status, indeed. Christmas commercials pound the radio advertising goods only for straight couples. The erotica and relationship section at Books-A-Million should really be entitled "Gays-be-gone"- not a drop of homo-anything (ironically making the section highly homogenous, haha). Thank you Mrs. Williams, for perpetuating our already publicly acknowledged and accepted discriminatory political and social policies that exclude gay people and their rights. After all, Blacks were not given equal status until after the Civil Rights Movement (and still do not truly have it). The queers can wait their turn.
So kudos to the Episcopal church for trying to make it through this rough patch in its growth and reach out to diverse populations. Changes in religion are always rough, especially when some people mask their anger as conviction. My advice? Well … what would you do with an emerging tree in the middle of a tangled thicket?
Cut back the thorns and dead wood that hold you down: then let yourselves heal, and reach for the sky.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)