Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Random thoughts
The following is a collection of random thoughts and questions I accumulated over the summer. I need to find something better to do with my time, like take up bass fishing or learn how to do pottery like in Ghost.
-Does the National Institute for the Blind in Baltimore care about its building's architectural design? Was the architect blind? Are there statues of 3 mice on the front lawn?
-Why is a firetruck considered a hazmat? Is water hazardous? Or are the men inside the truck "dangerous"? *Sweating*, 4-alarm fire, someone put me out with their hose ...
-Krispy Kreme bacon cheeseburgers (the donuts are the bread); an unnatural combination of foods that were never intended to be united as one (quite like pickles and ice cream, pineapple and pizza, and Richard Simmons with a woman).
-Digestive disease week, May 19-24. Examples: (1) cyclic vomiting syndrome (woah ... is that like when dogs eat grass, puke it up, and then eat it again?), (2) intestinal obstruction (when this happens repeatedly over the course of a few minutes, the anecdote is keeping your clothes on), and (3) Whipple's disease (what a cute name for a baby!).
-What do they do if you're so overweight that you can't fit through the frame of a metal detector anymore? Is that why they keep a can of Crisco at every checkpoint in Washington DC?
-Why is that tourist woman taking a picture of her husband when all he's doing is drinking from a water fountain?
-Why did they change the name of "Uh-Oh Oreo" cookies back to "Golden Oreos" and then label packages with either chocolate-filled or vanilla-filled? Maybe people thought the Uh-Oh Cookies were actual mistakes of the Nabisco factory?
-When you're in a locked one-person public bathroom and someone knocks on the door, what are you supposed to say? "You're just gonna have to hold it buddy!" or "I hope you brought something to read cuz this might take me a while!". Or perhaps "One word there for ya mister ... Lysol. LY-SOL!"
-Why does Caribou Coffee have pictures of outhouses in their bathroom? Do people put pictures of Porta Potties in their outhouses? Do people put pictures of a hole in the ground in their Porta Potties? What do they put in Porta Potties? (certainly not an air freshener)
-Why is the company that provides fuel to the Greyhound busses named "Gas Boy"? I thought I had already claimed this title ... I smell copyright infringment, and it stinks.
-Does the National Institute for the Blind in Baltimore care about its building's architectural design? Was the architect blind? Are there statues of 3 mice on the front lawn?
-Why is a firetruck considered a hazmat? Is water hazardous? Or are the men inside the truck "dangerous"? *Sweating*, 4-alarm fire, someone put me out with their hose ...
-Krispy Kreme bacon cheeseburgers (the donuts are the bread); an unnatural combination of foods that were never intended to be united as one (quite like pickles and ice cream, pineapple and pizza, and Richard Simmons with a woman).
-Digestive disease week, May 19-24. Examples: (1) cyclic vomiting syndrome (woah ... is that like when dogs eat grass, puke it up, and then eat it again?), (2) intestinal obstruction (when this happens repeatedly over the course of a few minutes, the anecdote is keeping your clothes on), and (3) Whipple's disease (what a cute name for a baby!).
-What do they do if you're so overweight that you can't fit through the frame of a metal detector anymore? Is that why they keep a can of Crisco at every checkpoint in Washington DC?
-Why is that tourist woman taking a picture of her husband when all he's doing is drinking from a water fountain?
-Why did they change the name of "Uh-Oh Oreo" cookies back to "Golden Oreos" and then label packages with either chocolate-filled or vanilla-filled? Maybe people thought the Uh-Oh Cookies were actual mistakes of the Nabisco factory?
-When you're in a locked one-person public bathroom and someone knocks on the door, what are you supposed to say? "You're just gonna have to hold it buddy!" or "I hope you brought something to read cuz this might take me a while!". Or perhaps "One word there for ya mister ... Lysol. LY-SOL!"
-Why does Caribou Coffee have pictures of outhouses in their bathroom? Do people put pictures of Porta Potties in their outhouses? Do people put pictures of a hole in the ground in their Porta Potties? What do they put in Porta Potties? (certainly not an air freshener)
-Why is the company that provides fuel to the Greyhound busses named "Gas Boy"? I thought I had already claimed this title ... I smell copyright infringment, and it stinks.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Week 1, Philthydelphia
Ok OK Okay OKAY it's not really that stinky - except for that elusive smell that comes from my one empty kitchen cabinet (and only on Mondays ... weird). When I asked my housemate to explain, the only logical explanation was that we are in Philadelphia, and everything in the City of Brotherly Love smells like ass (you can take a minute to think about that one ...)
I live 2 miles from the Pennsylvania School for the Deaf, so as an eager environmentalist (or just a cheap bastard? well even money is green...) I have decided to shun the 23 bus (the equivalent of the X2 in DC - yeah mmhmm where's my mace for the crazies?) and stroll my fanny down Georgetown Avenue. Being the only white guy within a 3-4 mile radius, I am certain to draw attention. Even the sweet and lovely Gina of the neighborhood diner asked "Um... why are you here?" :-)
But this 4-mile per day hike gives me an opportunity to reflect and ponder the meaning of life, as well as take note of the following:
-Germantown Avenue has the sort of faded-glory look of an old colonial village that regrettably met a 20th century building boom. Unused trolley car rails run the entire length of the street and are cushioned from the curb by cobblestone. Shops that were certainly elegant in their time are now just a shadow of their former grandeur- you have to wonder why so many were abandoned.
-A bow maker shop. I ... lord, I don't even know what to say. The shop oddly reminds me of Ollivander's wand shop in Harry Potter. But I have to wonder- there's enough bow-making business in the world to support a family's bread and butter? How many people in Philadelphia play a string instrument? How do horses feel about losing all their hair, and then being killed for glue?!? Well, it's a sticky subject ...
-A street named Slocum. Give it a minute, it'll come to you eventually.
-A store named "The Candy Shop" but which does not sell candy, only hair care products and extensions (sweet! ... um... never mind).
-A parking lot sign where the view of "Park-" is obscured, leaving only "-king in Rear" (random trivia fact: King Edmund the Second died in 1016 with he was stabbed from behind).
-A lot of Muslim women dressed in full-length black robes with their heads covered. One day I saw one cruising along with a large pair of headphones on and jamming to some tunes (the scarf veils and screens the women's head, the Bose headphones screen out background noise - both aim for purity).
-Eminent death: Philly drivers are obnoxiously inconsiderate, or perhaps everyone in the city has simply gone blind (probably from the smell, no doubt). Almost every morning I have to keep my wits about me to avoid being pummeled to death as I cross the streets (the white man on the crossing sign LIES!)
-A man walking 10 paces ahead of me repeatedly turned around and pointed directly at me without saying a word. He would then swing back around and continue on his merry way. This went on for 10 minutes before he stopped completely and hurriedly ushered me past.
-A package in the window of a shop that reads "Moist and Meaty #1 Burger!", in which directly below the statement there is a picture of a dog.
I live 2 miles from the Pennsylvania School for the Deaf, so as an eager environmentalist (or just a cheap bastard? well even money is green...) I have decided to shun the 23 bus (the equivalent of the X2 in DC - yeah mmhmm where's my mace for the crazies?) and stroll my fanny down Georgetown Avenue. Being the only white guy within a 3-4 mile radius, I am certain to draw attention. Even the sweet and lovely Gina of the neighborhood diner asked "Um... why are you here?" :-)
But this 4-mile per day hike gives me an opportunity to reflect and ponder the meaning of life, as well as take note of the following:
-Germantown Avenue has the sort of faded-glory look of an old colonial village that regrettably met a 20th century building boom. Unused trolley car rails run the entire length of the street and are cushioned from the curb by cobblestone. Shops that were certainly elegant in their time are now just a shadow of their former grandeur- you have to wonder why so many were abandoned.
-A bow maker shop. I ... lord, I don't even know what to say. The shop oddly reminds me of Ollivander's wand shop in Harry Potter. But I have to wonder- there's enough bow-making business in the world to support a family's bread and butter? How many people in Philadelphia play a string instrument? How do horses feel about losing all their hair, and then being killed for glue?!? Well, it's a sticky subject ...
-A street named Slocum. Give it a minute, it'll come to you eventually.
-A store named "The Candy Shop" but which does not sell candy, only hair care products and extensions (sweet! ... um... never mind).
-A parking lot sign where the view of "Park-" is obscured, leaving only "-king in Rear" (random trivia fact: King Edmund the Second died in 1016 with he was stabbed from behind).
-A lot of Muslim women dressed in full-length black robes with their heads covered. One day I saw one cruising along with a large pair of headphones on and jamming to some tunes (the scarf veils and screens the women's head, the Bose headphones screen out background noise - both aim for purity).
-Eminent death: Philly drivers are obnoxiously inconsiderate, or perhaps everyone in the city has simply gone blind (probably from the smell, no doubt). Almost every morning I have to keep my wits about me to avoid being pummeled to death as I cross the streets (the white man on the crossing sign LIES!)
-A man walking 10 paces ahead of me repeatedly turned around and pointed directly at me without saying a word. He would then swing back around and continue on his merry way. This went on for 10 minutes before he stopped completely and hurriedly ushered me past.
-A package in the window of a shop that reads "Moist and Meaty #1 Burger!", in which directly below the statement there is a picture of a dog.
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