The Vatican has decided to use its influence and power to dictate where we should (or shouldn't, rather) spend our money this holiday season. In fact, the Christian community at large has called for a boycott of The Golden Compass.
Pastors and preachers alike have cautioned the general public not to support a film with obvious non-Christian themes. This tale of witches, talking creatures, and wrestling with the powers of evil marks a strikingly eerie comparison to the release of Harry Potter (hugely popular in England, and branded as evil in America). Is there something Britain knows that we don't?
The Vatican has called The Golden Compass "the most anti-Christian film possible" - obviously the Pope hasn't seen the South Park movie (yikes!). "The film portrays the church as an orthodox dictatorship, which conducts cruel experiments on children and tries to suppress free will".
Hmm ... "free will". Like the free will of choosing what films you will and will not see??? AH, the irony!!!
The anti-religious elements of The Golden Compass are obvious: there is a large, organized entity that controls what information is passed on to the public (in the movie this is called "dust", i.e. the truth), and calls whatever is against the messages of this entity "heresy".
But the ironic twist is that the reaction of the Christian community is precisely what the movie is about-- restricting the public's ability to make decisions for itself, dictating what information should and should not be passed around, and avoiding any kind of discussion that would actually challenge the views of the Church.
Fear of challenge? Seems this house might actually have been built on the sand, in the end.
And please don't bring back the Inquisition, because that was just plain rude.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Between DC and Philadelphia
This past week I had the unusual pleasure and honor to make a delightful sojourn down to the District for reasons yet to be disclosed (although I'll give you a clue- prospects for a "boj" spelled backwards! See how clever you are!!!). And due to the unreliably freakish time-tables of Septa, and the apprehension I have of ever riding the Chinatown bus again (last time I endured the Chinese-stampede, a common ritual when you have a "reservation" to travel economy-style), I decided to rent with Enterprise.
Quite like the professionalism displayed by the Chinatown bus people (I think the company was called New Century Travel, which is somewhat misleading and ironic considering the stampede looked like some Medieval-aged mob trying to storm a castle because our food rations had been cut), Enterprise also has a loose interpretation of the word "reservation"-- and when I say loose I mean like Monica Lewinsky on poppers. In essence, "reservation" means nothing to Enterprise.
So rather than a compact car as requested, for gas purposes, I was given the option to take a percentage off my bill and drive-------- a Dodge Ram (environmentalists gasp in horror). With regard to Mother Earth, I feel as good driving a Dodge Ram as I would harpooning the last whale of its own species ... however it was snowing and I had no other option to get my butt to DC.
You can picture the scene clearly, can't you? Barreling down the road in a truck that eats gasoline like a Weight-Watchers member at a buffet on their cheat day, blasting the tunes of Hairspray, Wicked, and Enchanted, and singing exuberantly like an insane-asylum escapee while children and adults alike stare up at me in the cab with uninhibited horror and surprise. It was delightful.
There are many things to help you pass the time on your journey up and down the interstate. There is the section of I-95 that has large yellow signs indicating a "weave area", which instantaneously puts me on alert to see if I can find Beyonce patting anywhere in the immediate vicinity. There is the large rest area with people scrambling to ingest as much fat as possible before they sit completely sedentary for the next 4 hours of their lives. There are the New Jersey drivers who had to take an oath to "Do-no-harm-haha-screw-that" before obtaining a license from the DMV (seriously those people are the WORST).
The trip was like taking off a band aid- quick, stinging for just a moment, and then discarded into the trashcan of my memory as I try to prepare for my last 2 weeks here in Philadelphia. As I was driving back through the maze of cars and SUVs, I couldn't help but feel I suddenly didn't belong in either place-- and I wasn't sure if the road I was taking or the direction I was going was the way to my future or to my past.
I'd almost rather stay in between-- singing Dreamgirls, imagining the impossible, and remaining contently unaware that the world can actually see me when I'm lost in my own world, in my big Dodge cab in a large red bullet that is sailing down the highway of life.
Quite like the professionalism displayed by the Chinatown bus people (I think the company was called New Century Travel, which is somewhat misleading and ironic considering the stampede looked like some Medieval-aged mob trying to storm a castle because our food rations had been cut), Enterprise also has a loose interpretation of the word "reservation"-- and when I say loose I mean like Monica Lewinsky on poppers. In essence, "reservation" means nothing to Enterprise.
So rather than a compact car as requested, for gas purposes, I was given the option to take a percentage off my bill and drive-------- a Dodge Ram (environmentalists gasp in horror). With regard to Mother Earth, I feel as good driving a Dodge Ram as I would harpooning the last whale of its own species ... however it was snowing and I had no other option to get my butt to DC.
You can picture the scene clearly, can't you? Barreling down the road in a truck that eats gasoline like a Weight-Watchers member at a buffet on their cheat day, blasting the tunes of Hairspray, Wicked, and Enchanted, and singing exuberantly like an insane-asylum escapee while children and adults alike stare up at me in the cab with uninhibited horror and surprise. It was delightful.
There are many things to help you pass the time on your journey up and down the interstate. There is the section of I-95 that has large yellow signs indicating a "weave area", which instantaneously puts me on alert to see if I can find Beyonce patting anywhere in the immediate vicinity. There is the large rest area with people scrambling to ingest as much fat as possible before they sit completely sedentary for the next 4 hours of their lives. There are the New Jersey drivers who had to take an oath to "Do-no-harm-haha-screw-that" before obtaining a license from the DMV (seriously those people are the WORST).
The trip was like taking off a band aid- quick, stinging for just a moment, and then discarded into the trashcan of my memory as I try to prepare for my last 2 weeks here in Philadelphia. As I was driving back through the maze of cars and SUVs, I couldn't help but feel I suddenly didn't belong in either place-- and I wasn't sure if the road I was taking or the direction I was going was the way to my future or to my past.
I'd almost rather stay in between-- singing Dreamgirls, imagining the impossible, and remaining contently unaware that the world can actually see me when I'm lost in my own world, in my big Dodge cab in a large red bullet that is sailing down the highway of life.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Don't touch me there!!! ... Touch me here!
A few months ago I attended a birthday celebration extravaganza at a rollerskating rink where most of the people were black (aside from me, there was only one other white guy- he was very old, skated alone, and may have been entirely insane).
After taking to the rink and forgetting that my ankles are actually made of jelly, I took a breather on the side to enviously watch little 9-year-old shits who acted like they had skated out of their mothers' wombs (I did the Slip 'n Slide method, old school).
Now ... I am quite used to being around straight people and seeing couples engage in slightly disturbing behaviors such as hugging, hand holding, and kissing (the older I get the more puzzled I become at how straight people are attracted to another human being whose anatomy is so entirely different ... how are you supposed to know what to do with that thing?!? Very odd, I must say).
What is not often observed, particularly outside of Dupont Circle and Minnesotan airports, is the PDA of gay couples. There are few places where you can get away with it- New York, San Francisco, DC - and only in certain sections of town. Wait ... I take all that back. In the world of sports you can hug, embrace, ass slap-- lord, anything short of actual penetration -- and that's acceptable. Anyway, non-athletic displays of affection are rarely tolerated.
So imagine my surprise when I see two guys skating around the rink holding hands! (obviously they forgot that we were in Virginia) My jaw dropped, and I violently shook my head back-and-forth in a very cartoon-like manner ... oh my heck, there are 2 guys holding hands and they have not yet been lynched by the breeder mob!
But wait a minute ... there goes another pair of guys holding hands! Oh my sweet lord in heaven, there's another! What is going on here? Why are all the gay boys congregating at this rink? Did Sarah Jessica Parker promise to swing by or something?
Apparently in black rollerskating culture it is perfectly acceptable for grown men to hold hands to aid them in performing skating "tricks" across the rink. I saw a number of male and female pairs spinning around the rink uninhibited by their casual retaliation against society's rigid roles and definitions of appropriate same-sex behaviors. Suddenly the rink became very peaceful, and this sense of community and friendship gently embraced the rink like a child squeezing a stuffed teddy bear.
I must say, I have never seen anything like that. And I think it's absolutely brilliant.
After taking to the rink and forgetting that my ankles are actually made of jelly, I took a breather on the side to enviously watch little 9-year-old shits who acted like they had skated out of their mothers' wombs (I did the Slip 'n Slide method, old school).
Now ... I am quite used to being around straight people and seeing couples engage in slightly disturbing behaviors such as hugging, hand holding, and kissing (the older I get the more puzzled I become at how straight people are attracted to another human being whose anatomy is so entirely different ... how are you supposed to know what to do with that thing?!? Very odd, I must say).
What is not often observed, particularly outside of Dupont Circle and Minnesotan airports, is the PDA of gay couples. There are few places where you can get away with it- New York, San Francisco, DC - and only in certain sections of town. Wait ... I take all that back. In the world of sports you can hug, embrace, ass slap-- lord, anything short of actual penetration -- and that's acceptable. Anyway, non-athletic displays of affection are rarely tolerated.
So imagine my surprise when I see two guys skating around the rink holding hands! (obviously they forgot that we were in Virginia) My jaw dropped, and I violently shook my head back-and-forth in a very cartoon-like manner ... oh my heck, there are 2 guys holding hands and they have not yet been lynched by the breeder mob!
But wait a minute ... there goes another pair of guys holding hands! Oh my sweet lord in heaven, there's another! What is going on here? Why are all the gay boys congregating at this rink? Did Sarah Jessica Parker promise to swing by or something?
Apparently in black rollerskating culture it is perfectly acceptable for grown men to hold hands to aid them in performing skating "tricks" across the rink. I saw a number of male and female pairs spinning around the rink uninhibited by their casual retaliation against society's rigid roles and definitions of appropriate same-sex behaviors. Suddenly the rink became very peaceful, and this sense of community and friendship gently embraced the rink like a child squeezing a stuffed teddy bear.
I must say, I have never seen anything like that. And I think it's absolutely brilliant.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Another week of weird
Every morning I pour myself a cup of crazy; it's the only real way to start your day. At least if you feel slightly psychotic when you leave the house, the following random happenings and snippets of American culture don't seem as strikingly freakish or appalling:
-Grocery store ad: "Turkey butt -- 2.39 a pound". Now, since I am quite up-to-date on my slang, I am privy to the knowledge that in the world of colloquialisms "turkey butt" also means a wedgie, a.k.a. a camel toe from behind (but hopefully less moist ... wait, is a turkey ass moist?). According to this grocery store, wedgies cost approximately $2.39 per pound. But seriously, if your wedgie is large enough to be measured by the pound, then your ass is doing the gobbling- not the turkey.
In actuality turkey butt in the culinary sense refers to the fatty part of the bird that sticks out from its ass, and is also called the Pope's Nose, the Parson's Nose, or the Sultan's Nose (brown nosers, if you ask me).
-"I accept boobs in the face..."- random quote from a party: yeah, I don't remember why but for some reason after a few swigs of vodka the love pillows in the act of suffocation was deliriously hilarious. There was no mention of splinters from the twig and berries, but boobs are just funner to tease.
-Bear Bottoms Diaper Changing Station: to those not familiar with the gay community, be fortunate that this does not immediately bring to mind the damp and musty bottom (wink) of some geriatric fat queen that either cannot control his bowel movements or is into a fetish that I would rather not comment on. Regardless, posting such an obscene display (that comes complete with a table and straps) in the "family bathroom" is insulting as it only targets one narrow sub-culture of the cruising bathroom world (however, the tables are kept quite far off the ground for all of those really long-legged Idahoans). Haha ... I da ho? No, you da ho, Senator ... you da ho.
-A trash can in the Wal-Mart bathroom that had a sign taped to its front which read: "Out of order". Although this same sign is often seen in my imagination floating ominously around the heads of many Wal-Mart patrons, I found it hard to believe that a container designed to carry objects and with no electrical or mechanical components could actually be "out of order". Are they going to fix the trash can? How long will it take to order the parts? And who the hell purposefully puts garbage IN the receptacle of a Wal-Mart bathroom anyway?
-A religious sign outside of a church that said "God has not forgot". Indeed, that may be true, but he has clearly forgotten his English grammar and correct use of the past participle. Perhaps Moses would have gotten further with Egypt if he had simply said "Let my people went!"
-A dump truck that had the following self-advert on its side: "Our landfills provide 17,000 acres of wildlife habitat". It's an oxymoron - wildlife landfill. I'm sure the deer don't appreciate prancing over broken toilets and garbage bags spewing open with bear bottom diapers. Why don't they do the animals a favor during the winter and just burn an entire forest to keep them warm?
-The "Friends Free Library" in Germantown. It made me feel very sad to think that every single person inside that library did not have any friends.
-Grocery store ad: "Turkey butt -- 2.39 a pound". Now, since I am quite up-to-date on my slang, I am privy to the knowledge that in the world of colloquialisms "turkey butt" also means a wedgie, a.k.a. a camel toe from behind (but hopefully less moist ... wait, is a turkey ass moist?). According to this grocery store, wedgies cost approximately $2.39 per pound. But seriously, if your wedgie is large enough to be measured by the pound, then your ass is doing the gobbling- not the turkey.
In actuality turkey butt in the culinary sense refers to the fatty part of the bird that sticks out from its ass, and is also called the Pope's Nose, the Parson's Nose, or the Sultan's Nose (brown nosers, if you ask me).
-"I accept boobs in the face..."- random quote from a party: yeah, I don't remember why but for some reason after a few swigs of vodka the love pillows in the act of suffocation was deliriously hilarious. There was no mention of splinters from the twig and berries, but boobs are just funner to tease.
-Bear Bottoms Diaper Changing Station: to those not familiar with the gay community, be fortunate that this does not immediately bring to mind the damp and musty bottom (wink) of some geriatric fat queen that either cannot control his bowel movements or is into a fetish that I would rather not comment on. Regardless, posting such an obscene display (that comes complete with a table and straps) in the "family bathroom" is insulting as it only targets one narrow sub-culture of the cruising bathroom world (however, the tables are kept quite far off the ground for all of those really long-legged Idahoans). Haha ... I da ho? No, you da ho, Senator ... you da ho.
-A trash can in the Wal-Mart bathroom that had a sign taped to its front which read: "Out of order". Although this same sign is often seen in my imagination floating ominously around the heads of many Wal-Mart patrons, I found it hard to believe that a container designed to carry objects and with no electrical or mechanical components could actually be "out of order". Are they going to fix the trash can? How long will it take to order the parts? And who the hell purposefully puts garbage IN the receptacle of a Wal-Mart bathroom anyway?
-A religious sign outside of a church that said "God has not forgot". Indeed, that may be true, but he has clearly forgotten his English grammar and correct use of the past participle. Perhaps Moses would have gotten further with Egypt if he had simply said "Let my people went!"
-A dump truck that had the following self-advert on its side: "Our landfills provide 17,000 acres of wildlife habitat". It's an oxymoron - wildlife landfill. I'm sure the deer don't appreciate prancing over broken toilets and garbage bags spewing open with bear bottom diapers. Why don't they do the animals a favor during the winter and just burn an entire forest to keep them warm?
-The "Friends Free Library" in Germantown. It made me feel very sad to think that every single person inside that library did not have any friends.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Random thoughts
The following is a collection of random thoughts and questions I accumulated over the summer. I need to find something better to do with my time, like take up bass fishing or learn how to do pottery like in Ghost.
-Does the National Institute for the Blind in Baltimore care about its building's architectural design? Was the architect blind? Are there statues of 3 mice on the front lawn?
-Why is a firetruck considered a hazmat? Is water hazardous? Or are the men inside the truck "dangerous"? *Sweating*, 4-alarm fire, someone put me out with their hose ...
-Krispy Kreme bacon cheeseburgers (the donuts are the bread); an unnatural combination of foods that were never intended to be united as one (quite like pickles and ice cream, pineapple and pizza, and Richard Simmons with a woman).
-Digestive disease week, May 19-24. Examples: (1) cyclic vomiting syndrome (woah ... is that like when dogs eat grass, puke it up, and then eat it again?), (2) intestinal obstruction (when this happens repeatedly over the course of a few minutes, the anecdote is keeping your clothes on), and (3) Whipple's disease (what a cute name for a baby!).
-What do they do if you're so overweight that you can't fit through the frame of a metal detector anymore? Is that why they keep a can of Crisco at every checkpoint in Washington DC?
-Why is that tourist woman taking a picture of her husband when all he's doing is drinking from a water fountain?
-Why did they change the name of "Uh-Oh Oreo" cookies back to "Golden Oreos" and then label packages with either chocolate-filled or vanilla-filled? Maybe people thought the Uh-Oh Cookies were actual mistakes of the Nabisco factory?
-When you're in a locked one-person public bathroom and someone knocks on the door, what are you supposed to say? "You're just gonna have to hold it buddy!" or "I hope you brought something to read cuz this might take me a while!". Or perhaps "One word there for ya mister ... Lysol. LY-SOL!"
-Why does Caribou Coffee have pictures of outhouses in their bathroom? Do people put pictures of Porta Potties in their outhouses? Do people put pictures of a hole in the ground in their Porta Potties? What do they put in Porta Potties? (certainly not an air freshener)
-Why is the company that provides fuel to the Greyhound busses named "Gas Boy"? I thought I had already claimed this title ... I smell copyright infringment, and it stinks.
-Does the National Institute for the Blind in Baltimore care about its building's architectural design? Was the architect blind? Are there statues of 3 mice on the front lawn?
-Why is a firetruck considered a hazmat? Is water hazardous? Or are the men inside the truck "dangerous"? *Sweating*, 4-alarm fire, someone put me out with their hose ...
-Krispy Kreme bacon cheeseburgers (the donuts are the bread); an unnatural combination of foods that were never intended to be united as one (quite like pickles and ice cream, pineapple and pizza, and Richard Simmons with a woman).
-Digestive disease week, May 19-24. Examples: (1) cyclic vomiting syndrome (woah ... is that like when dogs eat grass, puke it up, and then eat it again?), (2) intestinal obstruction (when this happens repeatedly over the course of a few minutes, the anecdote is keeping your clothes on), and (3) Whipple's disease (what a cute name for a baby!).
-What do they do if you're so overweight that you can't fit through the frame of a metal detector anymore? Is that why they keep a can of Crisco at every checkpoint in Washington DC?
-Why is that tourist woman taking a picture of her husband when all he's doing is drinking from a water fountain?
-Why did they change the name of "Uh-Oh Oreo" cookies back to "Golden Oreos" and then label packages with either chocolate-filled or vanilla-filled? Maybe people thought the Uh-Oh Cookies were actual mistakes of the Nabisco factory?
-When you're in a locked one-person public bathroom and someone knocks on the door, what are you supposed to say? "You're just gonna have to hold it buddy!" or "I hope you brought something to read cuz this might take me a while!". Or perhaps "One word there for ya mister ... Lysol. LY-SOL!"
-Why does Caribou Coffee have pictures of outhouses in their bathroom? Do people put pictures of Porta Potties in their outhouses? Do people put pictures of a hole in the ground in their Porta Potties? What do they put in Porta Potties? (certainly not an air freshener)
-Why is the company that provides fuel to the Greyhound busses named "Gas Boy"? I thought I had already claimed this title ... I smell copyright infringment, and it stinks.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Week 1, Philthydelphia
Ok OK Okay OKAY it's not really that stinky - except for that elusive smell that comes from my one empty kitchen cabinet (and only on Mondays ... weird). When I asked my housemate to explain, the only logical explanation was that we are in Philadelphia, and everything in the City of Brotherly Love smells like ass (you can take a minute to think about that one ...)
I live 2 miles from the Pennsylvania School for the Deaf, so as an eager environmentalist (or just a cheap bastard? well even money is green...) I have decided to shun the 23 bus (the equivalent of the X2 in DC - yeah mmhmm where's my mace for the crazies?) and stroll my fanny down Georgetown Avenue. Being the only white guy within a 3-4 mile radius, I am certain to draw attention. Even the sweet and lovely Gina of the neighborhood diner asked "Um... why are you here?" :-)
But this 4-mile per day hike gives me an opportunity to reflect and ponder the meaning of life, as well as take note of the following:
-Germantown Avenue has the sort of faded-glory look of an old colonial village that regrettably met a 20th century building boom. Unused trolley car rails run the entire length of the street and are cushioned from the curb by cobblestone. Shops that were certainly elegant in their time are now just a shadow of their former grandeur- you have to wonder why so many were abandoned.
-A bow maker shop. I ... lord, I don't even know what to say. The shop oddly reminds me of Ollivander's wand shop in Harry Potter. But I have to wonder- there's enough bow-making business in the world to support a family's bread and butter? How many people in Philadelphia play a string instrument? How do horses feel about losing all their hair, and then being killed for glue?!? Well, it's a sticky subject ...
-A street named Slocum. Give it a minute, it'll come to you eventually.
-A store named "The Candy Shop" but which does not sell candy, only hair care products and extensions (sweet! ... um... never mind).
-A parking lot sign where the view of "Park-" is obscured, leaving only "-king in Rear" (random trivia fact: King Edmund the Second died in 1016 with he was stabbed from behind).
-A lot of Muslim women dressed in full-length black robes with their heads covered. One day I saw one cruising along with a large pair of headphones on and jamming to some tunes (the scarf veils and screens the women's head, the Bose headphones screen out background noise - both aim for purity).
-Eminent death: Philly drivers are obnoxiously inconsiderate, or perhaps everyone in the city has simply gone blind (probably from the smell, no doubt). Almost every morning I have to keep my wits about me to avoid being pummeled to death as I cross the streets (the white man on the crossing sign LIES!)
-A man walking 10 paces ahead of me repeatedly turned around and pointed directly at me without saying a word. He would then swing back around and continue on his merry way. This went on for 10 minutes before he stopped completely and hurriedly ushered me past.
-A package in the window of a shop that reads "Moist and Meaty #1 Burger!", in which directly below the statement there is a picture of a dog.
I live 2 miles from the Pennsylvania School for the Deaf, so as an eager environmentalist (or just a cheap bastard? well even money is green...) I have decided to shun the 23 bus (the equivalent of the X2 in DC - yeah mmhmm where's my mace for the crazies?) and stroll my fanny down Georgetown Avenue. Being the only white guy within a 3-4 mile radius, I am certain to draw attention. Even the sweet and lovely Gina of the neighborhood diner asked "Um... why are you here?" :-)
But this 4-mile per day hike gives me an opportunity to reflect and ponder the meaning of life, as well as take note of the following:
-Germantown Avenue has the sort of faded-glory look of an old colonial village that regrettably met a 20th century building boom. Unused trolley car rails run the entire length of the street and are cushioned from the curb by cobblestone. Shops that were certainly elegant in their time are now just a shadow of their former grandeur- you have to wonder why so many were abandoned.
-A bow maker shop. I ... lord, I don't even know what to say. The shop oddly reminds me of Ollivander's wand shop in Harry Potter. But I have to wonder- there's enough bow-making business in the world to support a family's bread and butter? How many people in Philadelphia play a string instrument? How do horses feel about losing all their hair, and then being killed for glue?!? Well, it's a sticky subject ...
-A street named Slocum. Give it a minute, it'll come to you eventually.
-A store named "The Candy Shop" but which does not sell candy, only hair care products and extensions (sweet! ... um... never mind).
-A parking lot sign where the view of "Park-" is obscured, leaving only "-king in Rear" (random trivia fact: King Edmund the Second died in 1016 with he was stabbed from behind).
-A lot of Muslim women dressed in full-length black robes with their heads covered. One day I saw one cruising along with a large pair of headphones on and jamming to some tunes (the scarf veils and screens the women's head, the Bose headphones screen out background noise - both aim for purity).
-Eminent death: Philly drivers are obnoxiously inconsiderate, or perhaps everyone in the city has simply gone blind (probably from the smell, no doubt). Almost every morning I have to keep my wits about me to avoid being pummeled to death as I cross the streets (the white man on the crossing sign LIES!)
-A man walking 10 paces ahead of me repeatedly turned around and pointed directly at me without saying a word. He would then swing back around and continue on his merry way. This went on for 10 minutes before he stopped completely and hurriedly ushered me past.
-A package in the window of a shop that reads "Moist and Meaty #1 Burger!", in which directly below the statement there is a picture of a dog.
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