Article: http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3509263,00.html, entitled "Homosexual activity cause of earthquake, Shas MK says"
Sigh ... oh this is too much to pass up.
Apparently "homosexual activity", which can be broadly defined as any activity that a homosexual does (like public service, establishing a non-profit organization for education, and attending church), is the cause of a recent earthquake that has shaken several towns in Israel.
This particular earthquake only hit 5.3 on the Dickter scale (is that all? *disappointed* I need a measurement of at least 6.0 to get me going haha j/k), and lasted 19 seconds (typical *tsk*- all that trembling and then nothing!). This shift in the earth's tectonic plates is indickative of the consequences brought on by a country that is tolerating a gay movement (meaning limp wrists? I don't know...) that has been likened to the bird flu epidemic (what bird? a cock?).
Do whaaaat? The gay movement (and hell, we've been moving since the beginning of time!) is a "plague that could destroy Jewish Israel" and should be treated "just as the Health Ministry dealt with the bird flu epidemic." *car tires screeching to a halt*
Well, gay people have been victimized by oppression and attacks from "outside" peoples for centuries - of course a person who's Jewish wouldn't understand how that feels... *coughing profusely*
So how do we eradickate this most vile and dangerous disease? Well the last time Jewish people dealt with a ghastly plague they were protected by painting sheep's blood over their doorways (to which Mr. Sheep abruptly looks up and says "I beg your fuckin' pardon? Oh hell no! Baaaaaa!!!"). Suddenly an image of Moses came to me, him standing on a mountaintop stick-in-hand demanding "Let my homos go!"
Perhaps the persons who agree with this condemnation should reconsider the Old Testament passages that deal with the justification of slavery and limited women's rights? Yes, yes- "all of those are taken out of context". Yeah well, when y'all decide to stop playing scripture-a-la-carte with holy texts, you just let me know.
For serious, how much more ridickulous can this get? First gays are responsible for the burning of Sodom and incurring the wrath of god, and now we are to blame for natural-- err, I mean (super)natural disasters! Are we that powerful? Do we piss off the Creator that much?
Damn ... I should start building that ark I've been planning right away! First things first, though- I need a crew that's got plenty of seamen.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Sex in church
This week a particular headline turned heads (and heads) and almost slayed a few in the aisles with the story: "Minister urges congregation to have more sex".
Now, certainly the minister is leaving himself wiiiiiiide open (to altar boys?) to criticism and speculation about the appropriateness of the church barging down the bedroom door and discussing sexual issues with the general public (after all, sex is taboo- quite like molestation scandals and pastoral "conversion" therapy ... oh wait, both of those have to do with sex!).
The minister's rationale for his unexpected ejaculation from the pulpit is that divorce is on the rise, quite like his male congregants, and that the easiest solution to put out the flames of sin is to ignite the flames of marital passion (oxymoron? - oh, and who's hose is in charge of putting out? *ahem* I mean- putting out the fire?) for 30 days straight (emphasis on the word straight).
Certainly the Mormon males are starting to cringe ("Dammit, women, I need at least 20 minutes to recharge!"), and females across the country are considering the very same question- Doesn't that damn minister know about a lady's cycle? (perhaps he doesn't spend all THAT much time in bed with his wife, what a shocker)
Well naturally the minister's challenge to the congregation cums at a time when the church is battling to stay in the mainstream (yes, Hebrew fish, swim towards the egg silly!) and keep up with the competitive worldly pleasures that are all too familiar to us (like condoms, porn, and pre-commitment-ceremony sex).
Honestly, though- aren't we confusing the children that are being raised in the faith? Masturbation is bad, sex is good, but oh wait you have to be married, oh oh wait and you also have to be a man and woman, oh oh and ... Lord! I'm 27 and already with these rules I don't know my ass from my elbow (but I'm sure one of them has to do with sex, just ask the minister).
And why is it THIS particular headline making the news? What about the sermons and messages of all the other faiths around the country that are reminding us of peace, love, and friendliness to all mankind? (perhaps the sermon topics should be changed to "peace of ass", "making love", and "friendliness with benefits" -- CNN would be all over that like a prison gang on dropped soap)
So what's next? In depth discussion about the missionary position? Substituting hard liquor in those grape juice shot glasses on communion Sunday? Wet T-shirt competitions in the baptism pool?
Phew ... lucky I gave up abstinence for lent !!!
Now, certainly the minister is leaving himself wiiiiiiide open (to altar boys?) to criticism and speculation about the appropriateness of the church barging down the bedroom door and discussing sexual issues with the general public (after all, sex is taboo- quite like molestation scandals and pastoral "conversion" therapy ... oh wait, both of those have to do with sex!).
The minister's rationale for his unexpected ejaculation from the pulpit is that divorce is on the rise, quite like his male congregants, and that the easiest solution to put out the flames of sin is to ignite the flames of marital passion (oxymoron? - oh, and who's hose is in charge of putting out? *ahem* I mean- putting out the fire?) for 30 days straight (emphasis on the word straight).
Certainly the Mormon males are starting to cringe ("Dammit, women, I need at least 20 minutes to recharge!"), and females across the country are considering the very same question- Doesn't that damn minister know about a lady's cycle? (perhaps he doesn't spend all THAT much time in bed with his wife, what a shocker)
Well naturally the minister's challenge to the congregation cums at a time when the church is battling to stay in the mainstream (yes, Hebrew fish, swim towards the egg silly!) and keep up with the competitive worldly pleasures that are all too familiar to us (like condoms, porn, and pre-commitment-ceremony sex).
Honestly, though- aren't we confusing the children that are being raised in the faith? Masturbation is bad, sex is good, but oh wait you have to be married, oh oh wait and you also have to be a man and woman, oh oh and ... Lord! I'm 27 and already with these rules I don't know my ass from my elbow (but I'm sure one of them has to do with sex, just ask the minister).
And why is it THIS particular headline making the news? What about the sermons and messages of all the other faiths around the country that are reminding us of peace, love, and friendliness to all mankind? (perhaps the sermon topics should be changed to "peace of ass", "making love", and "friendliness with benefits" -- CNN would be all over that like a prison gang on dropped soap)
So what's next? In depth discussion about the missionary position? Substituting hard liquor in those grape juice shot glasses on communion Sunday? Wet T-shirt competitions in the baptism pool?
Phew ... lucky I gave up abstinence for lent !!!
Things that vex and disturb ...
Pet peeves, annoyances, freaky shit- whatever label you assign them, here is a small list of odd or bothersome things that continue to haunt me:
-That hair on the wall of the shower (how did it get there, and how did it climb so friggin' high? Mr. Hair: "Must ... keep ... climbing ..." - and what the hell am I supposed to do with it now?)
-That slightly disturbing feeling you have when you are sipping from a water fountain and the flow of water changes precisely at the same time you hear a toilet flush in a public bathroom
-The wind of Washington D.C. -- seriously, I have begun to curse the wind out loud, much to the surprise of passers-by on the street (quite like a Celine Dion song, the wind is pervasive, transparent, intangible, ubiquitous, and just friggin' annoying as hell)
-Supersize Fries and a Diet Coke- if you're gonna do it, just go all out! That's like strapping on a prophylactic and then immediately falling asleep - What's the point? (whatever it is, it isn't in the direction of north)
-Scalding coffee: Would you serve a person a hamburger that is still on fire? Or a glass of milk that's completely frozen over? Temperature counts! Should coffee have to come with a warning label? (well, the Celine Dion songs should)
-English gone bad: For example, "I know it's a lot of information, so if you don't understand anything just cut me." (rather than "cut me off")
-Gendered pronouns: I know it's not "proper English", but can we start saying "they" and "them" when we're referring to a person of unknown gender? Stop switching between he and she, it messes me up!!! (note this does not apply to the shows at De Lounge)
-People who pretend they didn't just trip and about bust their head open on the cement-- take pride in your fall! (it has goeth-ed, anyway) It's funny! And don't turn around and stare in perplexed amazement at some invisible thing on the pavement, some apparent monstrosity of an obstacle, that was able to bother your balance for a step or two (cuz it isn't there, you're just a klutz!)
-Dogs wearing argyle sweaters: It's embarrassing enough for a dog to be wearing a sweater when it has a full coat of fur to protect itself from the cold ... but when a big butchy dog is wearing a cutsie diamond-patterned argyle one-sy, well ... dignity is gone with the DC wind.
-Violently offensive farting: Seriously, sometimes I need to lay off the vegetables because the fumes that occasionally funk out of my body are enough to initiate a chemical spill evacuation in any government facility (Comments that have been made about my farts when they are anonymous: "Damn ... what the hell is that stench?" -- "Ew ... something smells like diapers!" -- "Lord someone needs to empty the garbage around here!")
-That hair on the wall of the shower (how did it get there, and how did it climb so friggin' high? Mr. Hair: "Must ... keep ... climbing ..." - and what the hell am I supposed to do with it now?)
-That slightly disturbing feeling you have when you are sipping from a water fountain and the flow of water changes precisely at the same time you hear a toilet flush in a public bathroom
-The wind of Washington D.C. -- seriously, I have begun to curse the wind out loud, much to the surprise of passers-by on the street (quite like a Celine Dion song, the wind is pervasive, transparent, intangible, ubiquitous, and just friggin' annoying as hell)
-Supersize Fries and a Diet Coke- if you're gonna do it, just go all out! That's like strapping on a prophylactic and then immediately falling asleep - What's the point? (whatever it is, it isn't in the direction of north)
-Scalding coffee: Would you serve a person a hamburger that is still on fire? Or a glass of milk that's completely frozen over? Temperature counts! Should coffee have to come with a warning label? (well, the Celine Dion songs should)
-English gone bad: For example, "I know it's a lot of information, so if you don't understand anything just cut me." (rather than "cut me off")
-Gendered pronouns: I know it's not "proper English", but can we start saying "they" and "them" when we're referring to a person of unknown gender? Stop switching between he and she, it messes me up!!! (note this does not apply to the shows at De Lounge)
-People who pretend they didn't just trip and about bust their head open on the cement-- take pride in your fall! (it has goeth-ed, anyway) It's funny! And don't turn around and stare in perplexed amazement at some invisible thing on the pavement, some apparent monstrosity of an obstacle, that was able to bother your balance for a step or two (cuz it isn't there, you're just a klutz!)
-Dogs wearing argyle sweaters: It's embarrassing enough for a dog to be wearing a sweater when it has a full coat of fur to protect itself from the cold ... but when a big butchy dog is wearing a cutsie diamond-patterned argyle one-sy, well ... dignity is gone with the DC wind.
-Violently offensive farting: Seriously, sometimes I need to lay off the vegetables because the fumes that occasionally funk out of my body are enough to initiate a chemical spill evacuation in any government facility (Comments that have been made about my farts when they are anonymous: "Damn ... what the hell is that stench?" -- "Ew ... something smells like diapers!" -- "Lord someone needs to empty the garbage around here!")
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Balding
Hair hair hair. We are a nation obsessed with the hair. Moreover, we are obsessed with losing it in places we want, and gaining it in places we don’t want (for example, ear lobe hair-- seriously, the old men in Italy look like they had Princess Leia Chia Pets on their ears or something).
Our national symbol is the bald eagle (although “bald” comes from the old English “balde”, which means white – so what happens if I’m white and bald? I'm a baldie balde?). There are products galore that promise to turn any patch of empty skin into a rich prairie of hair-fibers, blossoming unrestrained like a savannah. We want that thick mane of shampooed-goodness so badly we'd pull a Van Gogh just to keep our heads covered.
As hairy as this situation may be, there are organizations out there in the world committed to bring an end to our fervent fascination with the fluff stuff. BALD R US, whose website (http://www.baldrus.com/) is headlined by an American flag complete with beaked eagle, provides a wealth of information for those seeking solace for their scalp. There are T-shirts, bumper stickers ("Bald men don't need viagra", "I'm too sexy for my hair"), transplant terror stories, hairpiece horror stories ... the list goes on and on like Rapunzel on Rogaine.
There's even empirical evidence that proves bald is better- the website says "The facts don't lie: Survey proves that bald men are the best dressed and most romantic." Do whaaaaat? Oh and wait! Tips on how to shine or de-shine my cue ball head (is that why we have ear wax?)! Well, the "naked noggin" certainly does have quite an impact on modern society. BALD R US has even partnered with E-Harmony to get "Bald" listed as one of the search criteria for matching partners! (*enters short, stocky, slow-witted bald man into search engine* -- oh wait I can't cuz I'm gay)
Oh but wait- there's more! Even the Divine Powers that Be weigh in on this furry matter. Perhaps god is bald as well, and on the 8th day he got plugs and stopped the comb-over.
2 Kings 2:23-24: "From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" [24] He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths."
Holy shit!!! The LORD gets testy when hair falls prey to insult and badgering (is it really a burning bush, or does god just have fiery red hair?). But I know I'm safe-- the last time I ran into two bears in the woods they were actually quite friendly to me- in fact, they weren't interested in the hair on my head at all !!!
Our national symbol is the bald eagle (although “bald” comes from the old English “balde”, which means white – so what happens if I’m white and bald? I'm a baldie balde?). There are products galore that promise to turn any patch of empty skin into a rich prairie of hair-fibers, blossoming unrestrained like a savannah. We want that thick mane of shampooed-goodness so badly we'd pull a Van Gogh just to keep our heads covered.
As hairy as this situation may be, there are organizations out there in the world committed to bring an end to our fervent fascination with the fluff stuff. BALD R US, whose website (http://www.baldrus.com/) is headlined by an American flag complete with beaked eagle, provides a wealth of information for those seeking solace for their scalp. There are T-shirts, bumper stickers ("Bald men don't need viagra", "I'm too sexy for my hair"), transplant terror stories, hairpiece horror stories ... the list goes on and on like Rapunzel on Rogaine.
There's even empirical evidence that proves bald is better- the website says "The facts don't lie: Survey proves that bald men are the best dressed and most romantic." Do whaaaaat? Oh and wait! Tips on how to shine or de-shine my cue ball head (is that why we have ear wax?)! Well, the "naked noggin" certainly does have quite an impact on modern society. BALD R US has even partnered with E-Harmony to get "Bald" listed as one of the search criteria for matching partners! (*enters short, stocky, slow-witted bald man into search engine* -- oh wait I can't cuz I'm gay)
Oh but wait- there's more! Even the Divine Powers that Be weigh in on this furry matter. Perhaps god is bald as well, and on the 8th day he got plugs and stopped the comb-over.
2 Kings 2:23-24: "From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" [24] He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths."
Holy shit!!! The LORD gets testy when hair falls prey to insult and badgering (is it really a burning bush, or does god just have fiery red hair?). But I know I'm safe-- the last time I ran into two bears in the woods they were actually quite friendly to me- in fact, they weren't interested in the hair on my head at all !!!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Jolly Old Saint Valentine, Lean Your Heart This Way
Well the day is here! Valentine's Day! Anti-Valentine's Day! Singles Awareness Day! (abbreviated S.A.D.) But honestly people, is it so terrible to be single? And aware?
And much to the hearty disapproval of the corporate conglomerates that would prefer us to shell out millions on chocolates and heart-shaped sugar candies, many people have snubbed this holiday and called it a glorified commercialization and mockery of the true experience of love- which is shared between 2 people on every single day of the year. Indeed, for some of us every day is a single day.
Perhaps if we look back at history then we can begin to appreciate the true origins of this heartfelt day. Scholars debate on the actual identity of St. Valentine himself- some even believe he is the "combination" of two or more persons, or two or more persons with the same name. What is known, however, is that some time way back when some random Roman dead dude was put in the ground on February 14th, inaugurating the feast and festival that has evolved into our modern Valentine's Day.
So in reality we are actually celebrating someone's funeral (well love is dead, right? *wink*) with our Werther's and "be mine"s and flowers galore. And just like the deceased St. Valentine himself, what we often bring to the metaphoric casket is a heart that has stopped beating in some way. Either the heart is suspended mid-beat and frozen in some foggy rose-tinted dreamland ... or it's been broken.
Another interesting historical note is the link between Valentine's Day and romanticism. In the 14th century Geoffrey Chaucer and his gang in England began to associate the two together, creating the celebration of love in shades of pink (blush and bashful), red, and white.
Romanticism- ahh, an idea that for some of us has taken a journey 6 feet under (a.k.a. cynicism). After all, if you are dressed in only allegorical black then a bleeding heart can't leave any stains. Still, we usually manage to eventually change out of those dreary funeral frocks and give that bright white suit another chance. Just make sure you bring some Shout or bleach to the funeral.
But should the white suit be blotched and blemished again, don't worry-- like most things, in the end everything turns up roses ;-)
And much to the hearty disapproval of the corporate conglomerates that would prefer us to shell out millions on chocolates and heart-shaped sugar candies, many people have snubbed this holiday and called it a glorified commercialization and mockery of the true experience of love- which is shared between 2 people on every single day of the year. Indeed, for some of us every day is a single day.
Perhaps if we look back at history then we can begin to appreciate the true origins of this heartfelt day. Scholars debate on the actual identity of St. Valentine himself- some even believe he is the "combination" of two or more persons, or two or more persons with the same name. What is known, however, is that some time way back when some random Roman dead dude was put in the ground on February 14th, inaugurating the feast and festival that has evolved into our modern Valentine's Day.
So in reality we are actually celebrating someone's funeral (well love is dead, right? *wink*) with our Werther's and "be mine"s and flowers galore. And just like the deceased St. Valentine himself, what we often bring to the metaphoric casket is a heart that has stopped beating in some way. Either the heart is suspended mid-beat and frozen in some foggy rose-tinted dreamland ... or it's been broken.
Another interesting historical note is the link between Valentine's Day and romanticism. In the 14th century Geoffrey Chaucer and his gang in England began to associate the two together, creating the celebration of love in shades of pink (blush and bashful), red, and white.
Romanticism- ahh, an idea that for some of us has taken a journey 6 feet under (a.k.a. cynicism). After all, if you are dressed in only allegorical black then a bleeding heart can't leave any stains. Still, we usually manage to eventually change out of those dreary funeral frocks and give that bright white suit another chance. Just make sure you bring some Shout or bleach to the funeral.
But should the white suit be blotched and blemished again, don't worry-- like most things, in the end everything turns up roses ;-)
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Pre-War Man
Here is a photocopied essay, printed on bright green paper and conspicuously placed in the wedge between seats of a Metro car today. Seems whoever printed and left it wanted to make sure it was discovered. It was so amusing I decided to share the joy with all of you:
The "Pre-War Man"
"CIA GOD FATHER"
"A lie detector test can discover the truth"
To cover up the U.S. Homeland civil war that all began around the middle of May 2006. AND to cover up the fact that I overthrown George Bush the 1st, the 2nd and Donald Rumsfeld back in 2006:
The spies supporting George Bush have been using "CIA spy technology" to mis-lead the public about me and my facts stated. I am also the person that invented the "Pre-War plan". George Bush and other people emulated my "Pre-War plan" and called it "Pre-War Intelligence.
*How it feels when ever someone is being mind washed
1. Sometimes it feels like a smaller version of how your face and head feels when standing up after you did a head stand for at least 5 minutes. Kind of like a head rush.
2. Sometimes it feels like fluid running through parts of your face or head the same tempature as your blood.
3. Sometimes it feels like your head is moving when it's really not.
4. Sometimes it feels like your head or face is shifting composures. You would have to stand still for at least 2-3 minutes after the time a feeling is transfered into your mind in order to be aware of being mind washed. You will either feel these kinds of feelings at our nose, mouth, fourhead, the top of your head or the back of your head.
They will mind wash someone with good feelings about me to cover up how it feels when ever being mind washed. They will mind wash you to feel turned off, bored or out of touch about my info. Even strange feelings can be transfered into someone. They can also mind wash people while sleep.
They also have "CIA spy sound travel devices" used to create people talking in public and over the phone. Sound travels of people talking are usually created to start rumors and negitive talk about me and to stall time. Sound travel devices can record any ones voic......
***
End of transmission from Mars ... *ahem* I mean from the green Metro paper.
Well, I've never been one for conspiracy theories, but if the current administration is resorting to torture and lying about it, perhaps this guy/girl isn't that far off track...
Man- suddenly I feel dizzy ....
The "Pre-War Man"
"CIA GOD FATHER"
"A lie detector test can discover the truth"
To cover up the U.S. Homeland civil war that all began around the middle of May 2006. AND to cover up the fact that I overthrown George Bush the 1st, the 2nd and Donald Rumsfeld back in 2006:
The spies supporting George Bush have been using "CIA spy technology" to mis-lead the public about me and my facts stated. I am also the person that invented the "Pre-War plan". George Bush and other people emulated my "Pre-War plan" and called it "Pre-War Intelligence.
*How it feels when ever someone is being mind washed
1. Sometimes it feels like a smaller version of how your face and head feels when standing up after you did a head stand for at least 5 minutes. Kind of like a head rush.
2. Sometimes it feels like fluid running through parts of your face or head the same tempature as your blood.
3. Sometimes it feels like your head is moving when it's really not.
4. Sometimes it feels like your head or face is shifting composures. You would have to stand still for at least 2-3 minutes after the time a feeling is transfered into your mind in order to be aware of being mind washed. You will either feel these kinds of feelings at our nose, mouth, fourhead, the top of your head or the back of your head.
They will mind wash someone with good feelings about me to cover up how it feels when ever being mind washed. They will mind wash you to feel turned off, bored or out of touch about my info. Even strange feelings can be transfered into someone. They can also mind wash people while sleep.
They also have "CIA spy sound travel devices" used to create people talking in public and over the phone. Sound travels of people talking are usually created to start rumors and negitive talk about me and to stall time. Sound travel devices can record any ones voic......
***
End of transmission from Mars ... *ahem* I mean from the green Metro paper.
Well, I've never been one for conspiracy theories, but if the current administration is resorting to torture and lying about it, perhaps this guy/girl isn't that far off track...
Man- suddenly I feel dizzy ....
Monday, February 11, 2008
Why my bank can kiss it
"Welcome to Peoples First Community Bank of Florida, where we always put the customer first ... that is, of course, unless you actually want to DO something with your accounts. In that case, please stay on the line and we will send someone over right away to bend you over and force you to take it brokeback-mountain-style but without the spit. Thank you."
It isn't far from the truth. Peoples First has officially been bumped to the top of my "To Be Eliminated" list, just behind left-standers on the Metro and Splenda-made cookies.
I called PFCBoF today to inquire how I might go about closing my checking and savings accounts with them. After I had personally offended the customer service representative by choosing to close an account -- something apparently as rude as selling her first born child to hungry gypsies -- I had to explain my rationale.
"Well, I no longer live in Florida. And your interest rates aren't very competitive. And the online banking security is a real nightmare and not very user-friendly."
I spent the next half-hour consoling the poor woman as if we had just ended an engagement the night before the wedding. But as we all know, hell hath no fury like a customer service representative woman's scorn ...
"Well, sir, you have to come in in person to verify your identity to close any account. But since you live in DC, when you close the account we'll have to send you your money by mail. Is your address current with Peoples First?"
"No it isn't. I moved to DC"
"Ah, well in that case you'll have to mail in a notarized form with your social security number on it verifying your identity before your mailing address can be changed."
"Can't I change my mailing address online?"
"No, you silly ass. That would be efficient customer service, and at Peoples First we believe that the customer should always suffer, you insolent bitch."
"I see. Well, your online security is very strict (and antiquated), so I'm surprised that Peoples First would ask its customers to send a paper form through the mail which has their social security number printed clearly on it. That doesn't seem very secure."
"Well that's what you get for breaking my heart, you hateful monster. MONSTER!!!" *click*
Immediately after, I entered an incorrect password on their online system and was permanently locked out of my account until I called customer service to reinstate it. *slowly bends over again and winces*
"Please hold, I'll transfer you to the next representative. Yes, I'm speaking in a very cheerful computer voice. That's because I take an unprecedented amount of SSRIs before drinking hard liquor every morning, and I am tickled pink with the satisfaction that you'll be sore every time you sit down today and that you'll be walking somewhat bowlegged. Please hold."
And then I got a voice mail message. A voice mail? A FRIGGIN' VOICE MAIL IN CUSTOMER SERVICE?!?
So to ensure that I always remember my password and avoid future lock-outs from Peoples First, for my password I have selected a string of expletives that accurately describes this financial institution.
However, just to be on the safe side, I'll avoid the use of the word "asshole" in any future interaction with Peoples First *reaches for soothing ointment*
It isn't far from the truth. Peoples First has officially been bumped to the top of my "To Be Eliminated" list, just behind left-standers on the Metro and Splenda-made cookies.
I called PFCBoF today to inquire how I might go about closing my checking and savings accounts with them. After I had personally offended the customer service representative by choosing to close an account -- something apparently as rude as selling her first born child to hungry gypsies -- I had to explain my rationale.
"Well, I no longer live in Florida. And your interest rates aren't very competitive. And the online banking security is a real nightmare and not very user-friendly."
I spent the next half-hour consoling the poor woman as if we had just ended an engagement the night before the wedding. But as we all know, hell hath no fury like a customer service representative woman's scorn ...
"Well, sir, you have to come in in person to verify your identity to close any account. But since you live in DC, when you close the account we'll have to send you your money by mail. Is your address current with Peoples First?"
"No it isn't. I moved to DC"
"Ah, well in that case you'll have to mail in a notarized form with your social security number on it verifying your identity before your mailing address can be changed."
"Can't I change my mailing address online?"
"No, you silly ass. That would be efficient customer service, and at Peoples First we believe that the customer should always suffer, you insolent bitch."
"I see. Well, your online security is very strict (and antiquated), so I'm surprised that Peoples First would ask its customers to send a paper form through the mail which has their social security number printed clearly on it. That doesn't seem very secure."
"Well that's what you get for breaking my heart, you hateful monster. MONSTER!!!" *click*
Immediately after, I entered an incorrect password on their online system and was permanently locked out of my account until I called customer service to reinstate it. *slowly bends over again and winces*
"Please hold, I'll transfer you to the next representative. Yes, I'm speaking in a very cheerful computer voice. That's because I take an unprecedented amount of SSRIs before drinking hard liquor every morning, and I am tickled pink with the satisfaction that you'll be sore every time you sit down today and that you'll be walking somewhat bowlegged. Please hold."
And then I got a voice mail message. A voice mail? A FRIGGIN' VOICE MAIL IN CUSTOMER SERVICE?!?
So to ensure that I always remember my password and avoid future lock-outs from Peoples First, for my password I have selected a string of expletives that accurately describes this financial institution.
However, just to be on the safe side, I'll avoid the use of the word "asshole" in any future interaction with Peoples First *reaches for soothing ointment*
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