decaf delight

"So what's the deal with decaf? How do they get the caffeine out of there, and where does it go?" -- Seinfeld
* * * * *

"But dad, seriously, it's like brown water. What's the point?"

"Someday you'll understand, son."

Bastard. His comments always come back to bite me, with that same dull panicky sensation that makes you realize you are becoming your parent regardless of how much you squirm and wriggle from the grasps of maturity. For all those caffeine-laced jabs and joists at his decaf habit, inevitably I am the one ordering a grande decaf drip and complaining that Starbucks Decaf Via is never in stock.

"Decaf" is a bit of a misnomer... your average grande still has about 25mg of caffeine, which is enough to merit a "de" when compared to the whopping 320mg of a regular Starbucks brew.

"I'm sorry, sir, we stop brewing decaf in the afternoons."

Which makes perfect sense. Because people who order decaf all go to bed by 5pm, after devouring their sodium-enriched early-bird steak down at Bob Evans (pre-chewed).

"I can make you a fresh pot. Can you stand with your walker for that long?"

Asinine. People need less caffeine in the evenings. It's like dishing out Valium at 10am.

Apparently there is a coffee bean that grows naturally un-caffeinated, but the trend hasn't caught on yet with major retailers. That's gotta be rough on the decaf coffee bean out there - probably feels like a guy with ED sitting in a room full of porn stars on Viagra.

As for my own caffeine-envy, I am all too eager to inform the less-than-25-yr-olds out there that their day is coming. "Oh my god, I can, like, drink it alllll day and go right to bed!" *shaking my head*

And so, while marching steadily towards my 30s, I recycle the wisdom of the ages that serves as a cautionary tale to the young. And I stare forever forward, trepidacious and aware that things like ED, diapers, and dentures are patiently awaiting their rotation ... and conquest.